Re: Be my coldplay

Salam w.b.t.

Seriously, aku tak paham kenapa kau rasa bersalah kat seseorang kalau aku tak wish kat dalam blog ni. Haish. Anyway, tu bukan benda yang penting aku nak bagitau kat sini. Actually, aku nak cakap sifat buruk aku kat dalam sini, which almost semua orang tahu pasal benda ni, and aku sangatlah tahu, and sampai sekarang aku tak mampu nak deal dengan perangai ni.

It's actually about me bila under high pressure, or short and sharp pressure, aku sendiri akan lost fokus and mula hypertension as a result of vasodilation. Seriously, bila aku sangat tension, everything yang aku cuba sesungguh mana pun nak buat takkan menjadi, and aku mula hilang pertimbangan. Benda ni lain BANYAK daripada situasi aku lost temper, which is YOU GUYS must DIFFERENTIATE. Okeh ayat skema nerdy. Tapi memang betol.

Pernah sebelum aku balik ke sini selepas aku kantoi kes visa tuh kan, time dekat airport, mak aku asyek berleter je, macam nak kena buang barang itu barang ini. shit, aku dah start menangis dah sekarang terkenang bodoh bengap bangangnya aku time tuh. betul aku memang bodoh, so jangan ada sapa-sapa deny aku memang bodoh. dengarlah cerita ni, and tolong amek iktibar. ha, time tuh, aku tak tahan, so aku macam ternada tinggi sikit. then, ayah aku cakap kat mak aku 'takpa, waktu2 sekarang ni jangan pressure2'. benda memang temeh, which is barang overload, itu je. aku taknak buang barang kesayangan aku. not 1 of them aku takperlu untuk aku di rusia ni. but that time, aku terpressure, and aku ternada tinggi.

actually, mak aku tak cakap apa-apa pun, but the thing is, aku menangis sepanjang berbelas-belas jam perjalanan balik ke bumi Rusia ni, hati aku diselubungi dengan rasa bersalah. bukan sebab aku ingat aku nak mati time flight, but its natural, nak nak aku tak boleh buang raut wajah mak aku time aku ternada tinggi tuh. even sampai sekarang ='(. sesampainya aku di rusia ni, aku terus email ayah aku 2 hari kemudia pasal perasaan aku yang totally sangat bersalah. ye, temeh, lantaklah, aku memang oversensitif pon. perhaps aku bukan membesar lagi, sebenarnya aku masih kebudak-budakan. sedih. sampai sekarang aku sedih. tapi reply email dari ayah aku, cakap, mak aku tak sedar apa-apa pun, dia tak rasa apa2 pun. mungkin aku sendiri yang judgemental, tapi sepanjang hidup aku, aku tak penah wish bufday kat mak aku. not in a year pun aku penah wish bufday kat mak aku. dari darjah satu sampai darjah enam sebab ktorang dalam family tak penah sambut bufday. then masuk form 1 baru bufday ktorang mula disambut. famili aku agak slow sikit since ni bukan budaya famili kat kampung aku pun, perhaps tok wan aku pun tak penah buat macam ni kat anak2 dia dulu.

sampai sekarang aku bersalah. so janganlah korang2 laen buat benda yang sama. haish. betapa tak guna kan aku ni? tapi, for this year aku bertekad betol2, aku nak buat sumthin utk mak aku, so that dia rasa dia dihargai all these while. form 1-5 dulu sume tak sempat nak celebrate bufday mak aku, sebab ktorang sume di sekolah. taktaulah. so last 25 march, adalah hari jadi mak aku. tapi aku celebrate/wish time pagi 26 march, sebab aku ingatkan bufday dia 26. ni semua salah mesin photostat yang bongap sebab aku nampak nmber '5' dlm 25 macam nmber '6'. itupun aku dah maki2 diri aku dah. and FYI, aku memang suka menghukum diri. psikoooooo!!!

i bought a ZARA handbag, costs around RM200. okeh la bagi seorang insan yang bernama ibu aku, yet manusia yang sentiasa comforting me no matter what. although prank aku time skype tuh tak jadi, tapi aku gembira and lega and terasa indah la dunia ni bila tengok mak aku senyum seindah suria tuhhhh. =))). macam precious gilaaaa. and lepas2 ni, aku cuba beli sumthin untuk dia lagi, daripada aku beli sumthin utk orang laen and aku tak rasa apa2. mak, terima kasih untuk segalanya yang mak buat kat cik, mak memang yang terbaik, perempuan yang paling comforting dalam hidup cik =). okeh ini awkward aku guna 'cik'. -.-". but then, watever.

so, selamat hari jadi mak, yang ke berapa tak penting sebab mak sentiasa yang paling muda.

and selamat hari jadi khadijah, bufday ko 2 hari selepas bufday mak aku. senang aku nak ingat. best sambut bufday diluar negara. pergilah cari jejaka tampan jerman ala hitler. zass.

salam. sila betul2 amek pengajaran.

Sebenarnya tiada mood...

Kali ini Paramore menjadi kegilaan aku. Sungguh addiktif lagu mereka.

Salam.

Okeh post hari tuh agak emo sebenarnya, even nak emo sangat banyak banyak lagi pun. Masalahnya aku tahan 80% dari lepas semua ayat aku. Mau pedas kalau aku cakap sebab aku punya mulut memang tak penah ada lesen. Sakit woh kalau orang kena, tapi aku pun boleh sakit even orang cakap sikit dekat aku, which means aku ni orang yang supersensitive rupanya, macam virus sensitif dekat interferons macam itulah aku. Kepada hajar, subjek hari tuh adalah Physiology, sujek yang sepatutnya mudah sangat untuk paham, untuk hafal, macam bagi aku inilah subjek yang aku tak perlukan super effort untuk aku ingat semua, semua macam naturally aku boleh synthesize dengan one time reading. Serius, aku tak tipu, dan aku bukan nak riak. Tapi bila aku mula buat something in full effort and in return aku tak dapat apa yang sepatutnya akibat bukan salah aku, memang aku akan bengang tahap cipan, atau dalam bahasa yang lebih baiknya, kecewa.

Apa-apa pun aku harus bersedia lepas-lepas ni, sebab, hari rabu akan jadi hari yang paling menyakitkan hati bagi aku sampai habis semester ni. Aku baru tersedar, yang markah rupanya sangat efek psikologi diri aku. But actually sebenarnya bukan markah aku sangat pun, tapi lebih kepada effort aku. Tapi kebetulan pula, petang hari itu (selepas aku post dalam blog hari tuh), ada usrah, and few points do really slapped me on the face. Apa-apa pun, trauma aku dekat markah 3 dalam 2 kali test mmg buat aku benci cikgu tuh, sampai ke bila-bila. Aku boleh accept kalau itu salah aku tak bersedia ke jadahnya orang lain nak cakap, tapi kali ini aku tau aku betul.

LAgi satu, bahasa aku sekarang semakin kasar, evolusi mungkin? Sebenarnya, aku tak nampak point aku becakap baik, in the end orang tetap tengok aku macam seorang yang perangai haram. So, in conclusion, aku  yakin sekarang hati aku dah keras macam batu untuk layan 'ukhuwah' yadda yadda ni. Salah ke aku nak reveal jahat? Bagi orang lain mungking jahat, bagi aku, normal, sebab buat itu pun sama, buat ini pun sama, so dua-dua sebenarnya sama.

Ye, aku tau orang akan cakap "Tuhan akan memandang setiap kelakuan baik dan jahatmu sehingga sekecil-kecil zarah". Aku sangat paham pun. Tapi untuk buat masa ini, bukti ala islamik bukan suatu cara yang umpama osmosis untuk masuk dalam diri aku. Nampak kan betapa aku rasa 'keseorangan' sekarang dan menjadi manusia berhati batu (tak sampai nak bunuh or maki orang or even tadi nak usha russki cheer leading) akibat 4 manusia yang menganiaya sekeping hati yang pernah ada determinasi untuk berubah cuma dinafi akbibat egoisme diri masing-masing. Akhir kata untuk hati ini, aku mungkin pernah cakap tak peduli, lama kelamaan, bak kata Daughtry, "this loneliness is killing me" begitulah jua aku.

Aku cuma berharap sesuatu bermakna dalam 2 minggu akan datang, cuma apa-apa yang mampu membuatkan aku ada keinginan untuk menjadi 'apa yang sepatutnya'.

Bagi yang malas baca, entry ini sebenarnya adalah bertemakan: "AKU DOWN"

Salam wbt.

stress

subject feveret aku dah mengkhianati aku. 2 kali berturut-turut. seriously, i've done my part, but the other part isn't responding. maybe, forever.

aku tak jumpa cara lain untuk pasrah dalam menerima kegagalan. hidupku bukan optimist. itulah masalahnya.

esok entah bala apa nak datang lagi. like i predicted, 2nd year is gonna be the worst year. nampaknya firasat mengena sebenarnya.

tension, tapi sibuk, so takleh update. babai.

Bluffing

Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

Urm, actually this post gonna be quite long, if I'm in the mood. Today is Saturday, and hell for the first time, I am happy for today. WHY WHY WHY? Because today is our holidays. Our timetable here is not the same. Each group has their own timetable, which quite unfair for us, we get our torturing timetable. C'mon every day 8 a.m, isn't that very wtf while your friends still sleeping and you have to go to classes and wait for nothing? Urgh. Yes, I am still frustrated with the so-called '2nd year 2nd semester' is the most effing santai semester in medic. Apparently, it is NOT. Adalah tidak suka okeh? But, since our economics lecture already finished last week, so I guess, saturday finally the payback time for the 5 days of torturing stuffs.

Kecik-kecik dulu normal, kita selalu bluff dengan kawan-kawan. Macam "ayah aku ada kete proton laggggggiiii besar dari kereta ayah ko!". Pastu kawan pun lawan "Elllllleeeehhhh, aku ada robot power rangers". Although takde, cakap je ade, asalkan kita akan sound cool and big depan kawan kita. Tau tak, dulu dulu time kecik bukan ending aku. Entah aku tak paham kenapa aku bluff dengan kawan-kawan aku kat MRSM Pasir Salak dulu. Dulu, aku main badminton agak bagus la, walaupun tak sebagus sekarang. And then bila derang tanya, "Ko wakil negeri eh?". Aku pun iyekan aje. Pastu aku start creating story about my training, and stuffs, and partnet imaginary double aku. It sounds great sebab at that time, sorang pun tak pandang aku boleh maen badminton. It was my fault being so passive all the time.

But my bluffs, takkan menjadi sebuah bluff. This was when the magic happened. Actually, lepas bluffing tu, I trained 5 times harder. I wanna learn more and more about badminton. Bluffing bukan sekarang satu cakap kosong, ia merupakan satu target pulak to achieve, which is very all-of-sudden. The same thing as my academic record there, it turned out very differently from what 'bluffing' supposed to mean. Pelik kan? And then, my brother, Hilmi, I was once bluffed that he was also a state player. Yet, he had the same 'positive-feedback mechanism' as me. Weirdo. Anyway, gud luck Mi untuk MSSD Badminton competition, because this is just a kickstart.

And sedar tak sedar, kawan aku khaddy dah terbang ke German. Best jadi engineer. Mesti hebat. Bukan pasal engineering dia akan hebat (sebab dia mmg dah hebat dari azali lagi), tapi hebat memasak. bwahahahaha. Anyway, gud luck eh khaddy kat sane. Ko selalu pop up aku time aku tido, time aku ke tandas, time aku latihan badminton. Hish.

K, gtg. Banyak keje, plus sakit badan, plus tak sarapan lagi. Hoh.

Masih terlalu awalkah?

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

It's 10:26 p.m, and all my housemates already drowned in their dream, which apparently the one who is typing now is total nocturnal. Yes, I am a nocturnal guy, who sleeps late at night. There's nothing 'so cool' about that though, unless I actually marrying Kaley Cuoco. How-yeah. She's not pretty though, it's just my sudden imagination. Haha. Funny. Not funny. Hilarious. Not hilarious.

Okay, last night was terrible, and today was terrible too, but as it ended, it became a day with bright sunshine over the mountain peeking something (?). But, first of all, I'm having fever yesterday, and yet until right now. The thing I hate about fever is the hingus rolling down the cheek (?). Seriously, how annoyed could it be? First, I was totally messed up by this hingus when I was writing my 'head-banging' Biochemistry questions. The questions was hard, although they are just 3 questions only, but somehow I found it very difficult to write everything down. I felt some kind like a tali kapal was wrapping my cerebrum which of course causes no respiratory burst-like idea to come out. So, in conclusion, my-biochemistry-sucks-like-hell-yeah. That's it.

I'm glad it is so over !!! That's the most important thing. Haish.

And then, other thing was....

...pretty much nothing. Ah, about the Japan tsunami victim, I felt so sympathy over those millions of people. Though destruction were really enormous, but I do really know from the history itself, Japan will come back. To Japanese friends, anime makers, ultraman, masked riders, be patient, to us, you were always our heroes. EVER and EVER. =). Like my friend Al-Hasan said, there's something why God 'blessed' Japan with the tsunami. I do really admit that the Japan is quite ahead in technology, but their multi-billion dollar pornography industry had actually came to a 'red-light' with that tsunami. God is Merciful. Stop that Japanese. I know your revolution over the government actually did help you, but that industry won't really a 'stair' for you to step ahead with your high-tech development. I mean this.

Give me Canon 600D and I'll shut up =)

Anyway bye bye, just a simple update. Salam.

Islam Malaysia

Assalamualaikum

*Berikut merupakan pesanan untuk diri sendiri dan semua*

Kalau ditanya kepada orang Islam Malaysia yang hidupnya bersosial beberapa soalan berikut, agak-agaknya apa jawapan mereka dan di mana silapnya?

Soalan 1 (paling simple)
Soalan: Kalau diberi pilihan, nak masuk syurga ke neraka?
Jawapan: Syurga, of course.

Soalan 2 (sederhana)
Soalan: Salah atau tak kalau kita buka tudung, tayang rambut depan orang ramai?
Jawapan: Hek eleh...
Soalan sambungan: Tak, ni tanya je, nak tau jawapan, bukan sarcasm. So jawapannya?
Jawapan: Memang salah tapi bla bla bla.

Soalan 3 (susah)
Soalan: Kenapa perangai orang Barat atau orang yang bukan beragama Islam lebih bagus daripada orang yang beragama Islam?
Jawapan: Tau mana perangai orang kafir jauh lagi baik dari kita?
Soalan: Rata-ratanya, kita jauh lagi teruk. Fakta.
Jawapan: Bagi aku la kan, Islam kita ni baik dah. Kita hidup aman damai je, apa yang salah, apa yang sesatnya dengan benda tu?

*Terima Kasih*

So the question here is, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? I don't want to put blame on anyone, but, seriously what is happening here in Malaysia. If I were to extrapolate a graph the amount of people who 'free-hair' against time, the curve would be increased totally in 'C' shape. But, do our ustazah ever taught us about the sins? YES. Do they taught us about solat? YES. So, what is lacking here?

Because our religion isn't equal to morality. We don't imply that, and that our education already failed. So how can we improve?

Wait and see.

Salam.

Berlalu dan Gembira

Assalamualikum w.b.t,

Happy Women's Day to those who read this post which apparently I am SS-ing alone right now -.-'''. Anyway, unlike what I expected yesterday and the other day according to my post that I should be sad today, apparently it turned out that I totally forgot about what should I feel today. Anyway, this is gonna be a very short post. 

So yeah, for the recipe cik Schafi ye, please tengok yang ni:

Nanaimo Bars Recipe

Nanaimo Bars: Butter or lightly spray a 9 x 9 inch (23 x 23 cm) pan with a non stick vegetable spray. Bottom Layer: In a saucepan over low heat, melt the butter. Remove from heat and stir in the sugar and cocoa powder and then gradually whisk in the beaten egg. Return the saucepan to low heat and cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens (1 - 2 minutes). Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla extract, graham cracker crumbs, coconut, and chopped nuts. Press the mixture evenly onto the bottom of the prepared pan. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until firm (about an hour). Middle Layer: In your electric mixer, or with a hand mixer, beat the butter until smooth and creamy. Add the remaining ingredients and beat until the mixture is smooth. If the mixture is too thick to spread, add a little more milk. Spread the filling over the bottom layer, cover, and refrigerate until firm (about 30 minutes). Top Layer: Chop the chocolate into small pieces. Then, in a heatproof bowl, over a saucepan of simmering water, melt the chocolate and butter. Spread the melted chocolate evenly over the filling and refrigerate for about 10 minutes or just until the chocolate has set. Using a sharp knife, cut into squares. Yield: Makes about 25 squares 1/2 cup (113 grams) unsalted butter 1/4 cup (50 grams) granulated white sugar 1/3 cup (30 grams) cocoa powder 1 large egg, lightly beaten 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 2 cups (200 gr.) graham cracker crumbs 1 cup (65 grams) dried coconut 1/2 cup (50 grams) chopped walnuts Middle Layer: 1/4 cup (56 grams) butter, room temp. 2 - 3 tablespoons milk or cream 2 tablespoons (20 grams) vanilla custard powder (Bird's) or vanilla pudding powder 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 2 cups (230 grams) confectioners sugar Top Layer: 4 ounces (120 grams) semisweet chocolate 1 tablespoon (14 grams) unsalted butter So yeah, and this evening we drank fruit punch made with help of the iPhone apps (which is why Apple's product is damn must-buy product). Ouh, the name is 'Virgin Sex on the Beach'. Surely very delicious, and a bit addictive, the recipe's are: Add orange juice, cranberry juice (or any berry juice), peach juice Blend the mixture with pineapple  Then plus with a tablespoon of grenadine (juice buah delima yang concentrated) Drink like hell.  =) Selamat mencuba air ni jugak Schafi. Ouh esok ada badminton tournament LAGIIII (inter-varsity) at 5 p.m. Wish me luck, insya-Allah. =)

Ukhuwah dan Sedih

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Sorry, because I'm not updating this for a long time. And to '---', hope you can wait a lil bit because right now, it isn't the right time yet to reply your comment, sorry about that. Today's been very busy with a small 'majlis buka puasa' organised by few of the usrah groups. But for the past 2 days, I didn't do anything but lingering in my warm black and white blanket, thinking nothing. Wait, just dreaming and playing with cats. I don't know for how long I should be like this. My condition is pretty much severe with some boring stuffs to do, like 'asking for trouble' in my blog. My blog somehow after much thinking isn't that private. So, I've decided that I just wanna open my blog to any invited reader, though, maybe one reader is enough. Because my blog isn't that safe anymore, because it will keep hurting people. And by the way, my Facebook account has been deactivated after much considerations with pros and cons of it. So, no way else to contact me except through my Skype account which is 'hafidz.91', feel free to add me. My ym sucks, so yeah nope. Owh, to anyone who wishes to read my yucky blog, please do leave a comment in my cBox.

Anyway, today like I said, we had a small 'majlis buka puasa'. Apparently it isn't that small. Almost 30-40 them came to my house, and with much pleasure we, the CasaDeParadiso (our house's name) members welcomed them in a very sparkling smile. Seriously, it has been awhile that someone visited my house, and of course from the way we treat them, I am really glad to have them in my house. Seniors, from 6th-3rd years came, and not-to-forget the juniors from first year also came. I wonder, when can we do this if it is not today? So the time is pretty perfect, a day before the Women's Day. Today was  terrific, the foods, the peeps, the talks, the nasihats, and most important thing is the big solat jemaah. I felt like crying when I was praying at the back. Yeah, we might like himpit-himpit each other like sardines in the can, but, c'mon, this is the nikmat of ukhuwah.

Observing others act, talking, joking around, eating together in talam, ouh it was so mesmerizing. Wish they will do it next year. Or next semester :).   Credits to Suffian for his powerful superdelicious fruit cocktail (the most lovely dessert I've ever indulge) and his syrup ice-cream, it was just perfect. And the main chef, from Abon's house, Tempe's house, and also Mek Zul (Abang Zul, idk why they call him 'mek' though) for making the pizza-smell-like spaghetti, everything was very awesome. I did something too. First, I've a sardine cucur, frankly it was for me in the first place. Not that I don't wanna give it to them, it just I made them for me because I just experimenting that 'mix-and-match' recipe, so yeah, of course the quantity was very small. But hey, everyone did eat it, and it made me really glad seeing them enjoying it. There's another thing that I prepared yesterday's night. It was nanaimo bars, a non-bake biscuit which every girls in Malaysia should try to make them, because it is really easy to do. C'mon, 'non-bake'? It should be easy enough. So here's the picture of nanaimo bars, I've taken from google:

Delicious eh?

So, yeah, after I've checked them 2 hours before the buka puasa time, only 20 pieces of them had left. So who ate them? Pfft, it was Suffian maybe, but I confirmed that Husaini ate them a lot. Which means, they didn't puasa. LOL. Whatever, I've made those cookies for them in the first place, and again I'm glad that they like them ^.^    . At first I thought it was so 'tak jadi', but it turns out that, they really liked them for the chocolaty feeling. So even kids can try these at home, under parental provision because it involve gas cooker, a bit.

And then for the sedih part was, tomorrow is that 8th May, and yeah it is Women's Day. The 2nd saddest part was, the next day is gonna be class, yet of course every student hates it. I do hate it, but not as much as I hate the dark memory of me. Apparently, I'm gonna through this every year in here, because it made me remember of her. How the stabs, how the torn struck, how everything was played into me like a snow balls been thrown at streets and the cars lindih-lindih everything like I am nothing. No, I am something. A rubbish. Fuh, I can't imagine I'm gonna see her face again for the next 4 years, and it will always a torture to me like livin' in the hell (metaphor). But gladly I do recover bit by bit, although not fully. But, the pain do recover, but the trust will never recover for any of the 'female' out there because  you girls are crap. Yes I am a crap, and I crapped because of you. Urgh. 

Happy Women's Day

Anyway, there's hikmah in everything. I just might have to face and find it. So, yeah, goodbye peeps, salam.

p.s: should I try for once v-logging? No, you shouldn't.  

Ways to negate

Salam,

Finally the moment I've been anticipating for has come, it's holiday. Short but nice. I skipped my Biochemistry test, then that should be nice isn't it? I've got time to read whatever I should read. That if I wanna read, if not, so hell no. Few updates for my current condition: Low Iman (first of all), blurred, confused (to choose which airlines should I take for this coming summer break), down, confused again (to do notes or not), and lazy-shit. FYI, I'd made some notes on Microbiology which was today's 'heavy' subject except Russian class. Actually I woke up 2:30 a.m because I thought it was 6:30 a.m and I was like so panic because I can't remember a thing about what I read, so I just need notes to remember them, like stare-glance-a-bit-technique to explain the whole thing to my teacher. It is absurd a future doctor like me can't remember a thing, especially I am panic and damn nervous. So that's all for the updates.

So dear readers, some of you might be offended by this, but seriously, just shut up, because it's my blog. Picking up any words from this blog would be supernova-potential-explosion-with-infinite-massive-collisional-energy-risk-of danger. Or in other words, you'll be dead. So recently I saw something in facebook, it was about 'the people'. WTF? In short, that video is my senior's video who's currently studying in Toronto Canada, a brainiac, genius, or whatever you people call them. It's a v-log actually, and apparently he's saying that 'the people' who might criticize him if he do the v-log. So the whole point is, he's saying that: "Ignore others, just do what you wanna do, as long as it is good". Which apparently,

I just agreed with what he said. He's true though. But don't make thing hard with his video. Not everything that you opine, that you impose on other is 'what-you-should-impose-on'. Seriously, you might be wrong, isn't it? AND I MIGHT BE WRONG FOR WRITING THIS OUT TOO, but, what I'm trying to say is, do think what others think of you to, although you might say 'don't let people define us' or 'identity is integrity', but hell-no, not everyone think like this. Like me. Like few others. Simply just justify what people say to you, and in the end, it's you who choose the path, not others. Like that Aiman, he's way good in dakwah, seriously he should do what he should do, and apparently he can do. Just imagine you made a V-log, -no comment-.

Peace, just a few words. Salam.

*My BLOG IS HATRED BLOG*

DENGKI

Assalamualaikum.

So few changes happened here, to me. To be honest, I hate change, because changes in me wouldn't persist because it just won't make anything good for me. How could I say that?

-It's experience.

Experience taught me what should I do, and what shouldn't I do. Apparently, it works. That's why I hate everything that is new. New phone, new bag, new t-shirt, new hair (as right now hehe), new every-single-thing that you think off right now. Because new is hard, new is uncomfortable, and of course takes time to adapt with. I hate wearing t shirt if it is new to class. Reason? I don't know why. But the thing I hate the most to be new is- perangai/attitude. Although I wanna change, but it won't work, because I'm not being me. And of course being me is not wrong unless 'being me' is some kind like a killer, now that's is wrong. But, to be someone who is extra special in something, is so not me. Like, I wanna know hadith more, instead I'm not that interested in hadith, no matter how I wanna try to read em', it just won't work because it is so-not-me.

The-real-me is a freaking-bastard who do whatever he wants to do. Now, that's me. And if I wanna change, it must be naturally changed, not artificially changed. Like, I wanna change to some usrah guy, then I'll just keep joining them, do whatever they do. The result is: it is not gonna work. Because I'm forcing myself into it. Some people might say 'fake until you make it', well I'm not that way. All people are not the same, and don't try to put everything in their shoes. Even the shoes are different for different occasions.

So, here's the problem. Lately, I kinda of a rajin guy, but still not as kiasu as I was in MRSM Langkawi (IF people thought I was that type). But this time, it is worse. I've made my own notes, and I hate it. I hate notes, what on Earth should I love em'? But, I kinda a lil bit force myself into it, like 'If don't write this, my lecturer would give me 2 2 2 and 2'. The thing is, I don't remember thing by notes although I know notes are important, because how can I know something, if it is not from the notes? The books are hell thick, and of course hell-to-read. I'm the type who typically read books, with diagram, with simplified description. But, if any of that (diagram, maps, bla bla, no colour) is absent in the books, I wouldn't call em' "books", instead I called em' "rubbish". Because it is rubbish. And so, apparently those works (making notes, bla bla) doesn't help me out, I still get low marks eventually. And that pisses me off, and me piss everyone else off.

Another example is: I kinda did wanna hold to somekind of this principle- "Marks aren't important, the Ilmu is more important, aren't you tired of all your life are dedicated to marks? Have you ever noticed this?". Well, that's quite not a principle really, it is just crap. No it's not. Yes it is. -.-". NO IT'S NOT. YES IT IS !!! It's actually my inner voice. Yeah, seriously. It kinda of tired with all these marks. But one thing fo sho', I hate it when I get low marks. Which eventually totally defines me, 'marko-freaky-head'. I just felt really disappointed with low marks, no matter how chillax I wanna be with that marks. And of course I hate being second, and if ever I get third, that's the sign of I'm killing myself off. So....

Lesson of the day: stop making notes and just do whatever you wanna do. Fuck low marks. Fuck high marks too. Fuck gelabah. Fuck chillax-to-not-studying. Quran FTW!!!

Okay, yang Koran tuh, maybe it's not related.

So that's all for today, and again I just wonder why my stats increased extremely high nowadays? Misteri misteri. Nucking futs !!!

Salam, moga hidup sejahtera, buatlah nota kalau anda suka, kalau tak suka buat la jugak, nanti saya photostat. =).

*Nuck aku happy, aku tak suka happy, I deserved to be sad, and pain, and sad and pain, and watever*

MARA terus MARA (MARA V Preod)

Assalamualaikum,

It has been months since my sponsor MARA gave us RM 1500. I'm not gonna say it isn't enough, but, sooner o or later, it will just kill us. Here are few reasons why MARA should increase our allowance per month. Please. The reasons are:

1.   For our daily expenses. The food's prices in here are increasing each month, and will never get lesser. Rm 1500 is just on the border of normal student expenses. Yeah, I admit that few students manage their money pretty well, that they can actually manage to save few hundreds of them. But, not all students are the same, and to be honest, students with less unacademic activities tend to save more money, but those who are involves in much of the sports, this money is not enough.

2.   We didn't save money to go on vacation. I didn't went anywhere during the winter break, because, it's impossible with the amount of money.

3. I just can't understand, why is it like those who are studying in Japan get RM 4000-5000 per month, and we are not? Bias?

4.   Instead of wasting your money for almost 500 dollar to university for our fucking bastard practical, it's better you give it to us, and we do our practical in Malaysia. You know where your money goes? Do you have any idea about that?

-it goes to 'immediate-expensive-renovation in our university'. Can't you see that they're just using your money for them, not for us?

5.  According to Islam, if I'm not mistaken, we signed for a contract that costed almost half-a-million at that time, at that rate. What do we get now? Are you making profit out of us?

6. Why do people thinks that we used money just for vacation, shopping etc? Dude, our books cost almost hundreds, and where the hell do I can get that money?

This thing is raising our blood up. I'm just writing this out. Insya-Allah there will be a follow-up action.