DENGKI

Assalamualaikum.

So few changes happened here, to me. To be honest, I hate change, because changes in me wouldn't persist because it just won't make anything good for me. How could I say that?

-It's experience.

Experience taught me what should I do, and what shouldn't I do. Apparently, it works. That's why I hate everything that is new. New phone, new bag, new t-shirt, new hair (as right now hehe), new every-single-thing that you think off right now. Because new is hard, new is uncomfortable, and of course takes time to adapt with. I hate wearing t shirt if it is new to class. Reason? I don't know why. But the thing I hate the most to be new is- perangai/attitude. Although I wanna change, but it won't work, because I'm not being me. And of course being me is not wrong unless 'being me' is some kind like a killer, now that's is wrong. But, to be someone who is extra special in something, is so not me. Like, I wanna know hadith more, instead I'm not that interested in hadith, no matter how I wanna try to read em', it just won't work because it is so-not-me.

The-real-me is a freaking-bastard who do whatever he wants to do. Now, that's me. And if I wanna change, it must be naturally changed, not artificially changed. Like, I wanna change to some usrah guy, then I'll just keep joining them, do whatever they do. The result is: it is not gonna work. Because I'm forcing myself into it. Some people might say 'fake until you make it', well I'm not that way. All people are not the same, and don't try to put everything in their shoes. Even the shoes are different for different occasions.

So, here's the problem. Lately, I kinda of a rajin guy, but still not as kiasu as I was in MRSM Langkawi (IF people thought I was that type). But this time, it is worse. I've made my own notes, and I hate it. I hate notes, what on Earth should I love em'? But, I kinda a lil bit force myself into it, like 'If don't write this, my lecturer would give me 2 2 2 and 2'. The thing is, I don't remember thing by notes although I know notes are important, because how can I know something, if it is not from the notes? The books are hell thick, and of course hell-to-read. I'm the type who typically read books, with diagram, with simplified description. But, if any of that (diagram, maps, bla bla, no colour) is absent in the books, I wouldn't call em' "books", instead I called em' "rubbish". Because it is rubbish. And so, apparently those works (making notes, bla bla) doesn't help me out, I still get low marks eventually. And that pisses me off, and me piss everyone else off.

Another example is: I kinda did wanna hold to somekind of this principle- "Marks aren't important, the Ilmu is more important, aren't you tired of all your life are dedicated to marks? Have you ever noticed this?". Well, that's quite not a principle really, it is just crap. No it's not. Yes it is. -.-". NO IT'S NOT. YES IT IS !!! It's actually my inner voice. Yeah, seriously. It kinda of tired with all these marks. But one thing fo sho', I hate it when I get low marks. Which eventually totally defines me, 'marko-freaky-head'. I just felt really disappointed with low marks, no matter how chillax I wanna be with that marks. And of course I hate being second, and if ever I get third, that's the sign of I'm killing myself off. So....

Lesson of the day: stop making notes and just do whatever you wanna do. Fuck low marks. Fuck high marks too. Fuck gelabah. Fuck chillax-to-not-studying. Quran FTW!!!

Okay, yang Koran tuh, maybe it's not related.

So that's all for today, and again I just wonder why my stats increased extremely high nowadays? Misteri misteri. Nucking futs !!!

Salam, moga hidup sejahtera, buatlah nota kalau anda suka, kalau tak suka buat la jugak, nanti saya photostat. =).

*Nuck aku happy, aku tak suka happy, I deserved to be sad, and pain, and sad and pain, and watever*